We hear it all the time.
You need to love yourself.
But how?
How do you begin loving yourself when you’ve spent years feeling that you’re not enough? When you can recognise the good in everyone around you, but struggle to see it in yourself?
You might try looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you’re worthy, that you’re beautiful, that you deserve love.
And perhaps a part of you wants to believe those words.
But another part quietly disagrees.
So what if we tried something different?
What if, instead of trying to convince yourself that you deserve love, you began treating yourself as though you already did?
Think About Someone You Love
Imagine someone you care about coming home after a difficult day.
They’re tired. They haven’t eaten properly. Something went wrong at work, and they’re being particularly hard on themselves.
What would you do?
Perhaps you’d make them something to eat.
You might remind them that one difficult day doesn’t define who they are.
You might sit beside them, listen or simply give them space to rest.
You probably wouldn’t tell them they need to accomplish three more things before they’re allowed to relax.
You wouldn’t ask them to prove that they’re worthy of your kindness.
You would care for them because they matter to you.
Now imagine coming home after that same difficult day.
Would you offer yourself the same understanding?
Or would you tell yourself to stop being dramatic, work harder and get over it?
It’s interesting how naturally we can offer care to others while struggling to recognise that we might need it ourselves.
The Way We Learn to Treat Ourselves
British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott explored how our earliest experiences of care contribute to our developing sense of self.
One of his important ideas was that a child needs a sufficiently responsive environment in which their needs can be recognised and met.
Over time, these early experiences can contribute to an internal sense of security.
But what happens when we grow accustomed to dismissing our needs?
Perhaps you learned that being independent meant never asking for help.
Perhaps being praised for your achievements made it difficult to feel valuable when you weren’t accomplishing something.
Or perhaps you became so used to caring for everyone else that you stopped asking yourself what you needed.
These experiences don’t determine who we become. But they can influence the expectations we carry into our relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves.
And sometimes, those expectations become so familiar that we no longer question them.
I shouldn’t need so much.
I haven’t done enough to rest.
Other people matter more.
What if we began questioning those beliefs, not only through words, but through the way we experience everyday life?
Let’s Try a Little Experiment
For the next seven days, imagine that you’re responsible for looking after someone you genuinely love.
Except this time, that person is you.
You don’t need to buy anything, change your routine completely or become a different person.
Just pay attention to the small moments.
When you’re hungry, rather than ignoring it until you’ve finished everything, make yourself something you enjoy.
When you’re exhausted, ask yourself whether you would expect someone you love to keep pushing through.
When you make a mistake, notice the words that immediately come to mind.
Would you use those same words with someone you care about?
When someone asks where you’d like to go, take a moment to consider what you actually want.
And when something small brings you joy, allow yourself to enjoy it without needing to justify why.
It might be sitting in the sunshine for a few minutes.
Using your favourite mug.
Making your bed feel comfortable.
Taking yourself for a walk.
Or simply allowing yourself to have a difficult day without deciding that there’s something wrong with you.
Nothing extraordinary.
Just small moments of consideration.
But Pay Attention to What Happens Inside
Here’s the interesting part.
You might discover that these gestures are not as easy as they sound.
You may feel guilty when you rest.
Uncomfortable when you prioritise yourself.
Or strangely undeserving when you do something nice simply because you want to.
And perhaps that discomfort tells us something.
Why does resting feel like something we have to earn?
Why is it easier to recognise someone else’s needs than our own?
Why can we forgive a friend for making a mistake but continue punishing ourselves for something that happened years ago?
Sometimes, the smallest actions reveal beliefs we’ve carried for a very long time.
And rather than immediately trying to get rid of those feelings, perhaps we can become curious about them.
Where did I learn this?
Whose expectations am I still trying to meet?
What am I afraid would happen if I treated myself differently?
These are not questions we need to answer in a single afternoon.
But they may help us begin understanding why self-love can feel so difficult.
Perhaps Change Begins With a Different Experience
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change.”
We often approach self-love as though we must first become someone better.
More confident. More successful. More attractive. More accomplished.
And only then will we finally deserve our own acceptance.
But perhaps we’ve been placing the conditions in the wrong order.
Perhaps we don’t need to become someone different before we begin responding to ourselves with care.
The meal you prepare for yourself won’t suddenly undo years of self-criticism.
One afternoon of rest won’t necessarily change a lifelong belief that your worth depends on productivity.
But these moments can offer something different from what you’re used to.
A moment in which your needs are acknowledged rather than dismissed.
A mistake that doesn’t become a reason for punishment.
A preference that is allowed to exist.
And perhaps, with time, these experiences can help you question the beliefs that once seemed unquestionable.
At the End of the Week
Don’t ask yourself whether you’ve learned to love yourself yet.
Instead, ask:
What felt difficult about being kind to myself?
What did I notice about the way I treat myself?
What would I like to continue doing?
You might not feel any different.
You might discover that being cared for, even by yourself, brings up emotions you hadn’t expected.
That’s okay.
The purpose isn’t to achieve self-love in seven days.
It’s to begin exploring what it might mean to relate to yourself differently.
Because maybe loving yourself isn’t always about looking in the mirror and believing that you’re wonderful.
Maybe sometimes it’s about noticing that you’re tired and letting yourself rest.
Recognising that you’re hungry and making yourself something to eat.
Understanding that you’ve made a mistake without deciding you’re a failure.
You don’t have to wait until you love yourself to begin treating yourself with love.
Perhaps, little by little, that’s how you begin.
A Space to Understand Yourself
Sometimes, the way we relate to ourselves is connected to beliefs and experiences we’ve carried for many years.
At The Healing Hub Mental Wellness, our individual therapy sessions offer space to explore self-worth, self-criticism and the patterns that shape how we experience ourselves and our relationships.
We offer sessions in Canary Wharf, London, and online.